


At Least I'm Not As Sad (As I Used to Be)

by ro_mm_ck



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-13
Updated: 2010-04-13
Packaged: 2017-10-11 18:36:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/115646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ro_mm_ck/pseuds/ro_mm_ck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean yells at Castiel and forces him to think about how he'd been treating Sam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At Least I'm Not As Sad (As I Used to Be)

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to luvscharlie for the beta and for telling me this wasn't horrible. This is really late... like really really late. My fandom muse has been busy with school. Title is from a song by Fun. Prompt: from fandom_fridays "You taste like Heaven, but God knows you're built for sin"

"You guys messed with his head!" Dean yelled.

"I don't understand, Dean."

"Cas, this was a kid who actually admitted, out loud, that he prays. I made fun of him for weeks after he told me," Dean said, gesturing toward the angel with his beer bottle.

"What does that have to do..." Castiel said.

"Sam actually believed in angels and Heaven before you guys started showing up in fucking flocks," Dean interrupted angrily. "He believed in you and the first thing you assholes do is look at him like six feet of pig shit or something."

"He's drinking demon blood, Dean," Castiel said coolly.

"I know that! It doesn't make it any easier to deal with when I'm the only one he can go to other than that demon bitch. You guys could have been something good for the guy and all you've done is make things worse. You're an angel for Christ's sake! You're supposed to be on our side! You're supposed forgive, or at least your God is. Where's that forgiveness now?" Dean said, getting up from his chair, dropping his beer bottle into the garbage and walking toward the bathroom door. "Get out."

"Dean," Castiel attempted.

"Get out, now," Dean snapped, and pointed toward the door even though he knew the angel wouldn't need to use it. "Sam should be on his way back soon and I don't want him to have to look at your face."

In an unconventional move, Castiel actually walked to the door and let himself out. As the lock clicked into place behind him, he sighed. These Winchester brothers were going to be the end of his patience. He remembered the hurt look on Samuel's face when he'd met him the first time. Samuel's addiction was widely known and he couldn't help the coldness on his own face in that moment. He'd refused Sam's hand even as the seconds had ticked by.

Castiel stood by the door as his mind raced through the things Dean had said, or rather yelled, to him. He'd already known Samuel prayed. It didn't change the fact that the younger Winchester was walking a dark road, and he was not the member of the family in Castiel's charge. Castiel was meant to look after Dean, and he was going to do it to the best of his ability even if Dean refused his help. Sam wasn't his responsibility.

Sam's descent wasn't Castiel's problem even if parts of what Dean said made sense. Maybe things could change for Sam. His brow wrinkled in a scowl as he thought about what his superiors would have to say about this entire line of thinking. They wanted the apocalypse. They wanted the world to be cleansed and pieces of it made sense to Castiel... but so many dead. He couldn't get on board entirely.

"Can I help you, Cas?" Sam asked from behind him. He'd been so deep inside his own head that he'd missed the younger Winchester's approach. Castiel turned around, scowl still in place, and saw that hopeful expression from their first meeting slide off Sam's face as he caught a look at Castiel's.

"I'm sorry, Samuel," Castiel apologized. "I should have already been gone. Dean told me to go."

"Dean?" Sam said, tilting his head in confusion.

"He said my brothers and I were treating you unfairly," Castiel explained as a person with no past experience in what is and what is not appropriate to take from one conversation to the next. "I apologize if I have at any time 'messed with your head' as Dean put it."

"He said what?" Sam said, the volume in his voice rising as his confusion turned into something else. He ran his hand over his face as he tried not to growl with embarrassment and anger. "You don't need to apologize to me, Cas. I know why you've been... how you've been toward me."

It was Castiel's turn to look confusedly at Sam as he watched him take out his hotel room key and walk past him toward the door. Sam's movements were slow as if each step was an act of penitence. His head hung low, not looking toward the angel as he slid the key into the door handle and let himself in.

Samuel asked for nothing. He no longer asked for Castiel's hand. He did not ask for help. He did not ask for forgiveness. He did not ask for friendship. It was as if Sam didn't believe he was worthy of any of those things anymore, and it hurt Castiel to think that any one of his Father's creatures could possibly suppose such a thing. His thoughts were interrupted a moment later when Dean opened the door Sam had just entered.

"What part of 'go away' did you not understand?" Dean said in an angry whisper.

"I am sorry, Dean," Castiel said, putting up a hand to cut off the tirade he was sure was to follow. "You were right."

A breeze blew across the door, scattering leaves as it went by. With that, Castiel disappeared and left Dean staring at the blank space in front of him. Dean growled in frustration and stepped back in the room.

-*-

At first it had been difficult to look beyond what he thought he knew about Samuel to what his eyes could see and his grace could feel. He began to see much of what Dean spoke of. He began to see how Samuel needed a guardian of his very own. There had to be a reason for this compulsion, his Father speaking through the hopelessness of one of his creatures.

He stayed out of sight until Sam finally called to him. It had been weeks since their encounter outside the hotel and Castiel wasn't sure how this moment would be different from their other interactions. He heard Sam's whisper as if it were a scream. He watched for a moment as Sam looked up to the heavens for some kind of answer to an unasked question.

"Samuel," Castiel said as he appeared in front of him. The tension built in Sam's shoulders as he looked down and looked into Castiel's face. A small smile tried to lift on his face, but Sam couldn't seem to manage it.

"You came," Sam said, honestly surprised. He kicked at the dirt by his feet as he shuffled from foot to foot.

"You called," Castiel said calmly. He knew things probably hadn't changed much in the last several weeks for this young man, but the entire world had changed for the angel in front of him. Sam had changed how he saw things. His sadness, his ache, his lonely struggle with something he couldn't understand or explain... All of it made Castiel want to enfold him within his wings and take some of the pain off Sam's heart.

"I don't know how to do this anymore," Sam said with no other explanation.

"I know."

"I..." he stammered and then looked up at the face in front of him. If facial expressions could have opposites, the one on Castiel's face would have been the tail side of the way he'd looked at Sam the first time they'd met. His eyes were filled with acceptance and worry as Sam tried to speak.

"Have you been watching me?" Sam asked.

"Yes."

"And what did you see?"

"You hurt," Castiel answered.

-*-

Castiel was sure that something had changed. His grace felt different. Before, he'd been able to hear Dean's call from anywhere, including Heaven. Lately it seemed as if his grace was more tuned in to what Sam needed and that was starting to feel more and more strange. Castiel wasn't sure what to make of the emotions he was beginning to receive from Sam, but he knew they were things he'd never experienced before.

Sam had stopped drinking the demon blood and the withdrawal was at a breaking point. He could feel Sam's body aching as he tried to research their latest hunt on his computer. Sam had finally convinced Dean to get something for them to eat, leaving Sam alone and shaking. Castiel watched as Sam took a deep breath and closed his eyes and tried to stop the spasms in his hands. Sam balled his hands into fists and willed himself to have the strength to get past this.

Castiel wished there was something he could do to help Sam get through this. Even though Sam had accepted his belated attempts at friendship, there was nothing to do but wait as the toxins sped through his system. He wished Sam would call for him so that at least he wouldn't be alone.

He watched as Sam put his computer down on the bed and began to pace the room. He picked up a towel and began twisting it in his hands as he walked the short distance between the door and the wall. Sam inhaled to a count of ten as he walked toward the back of the room and exhaled to the same count on the way back. The shaking in his hands began to grow in strength and the towel was doing little to alleviate or hide it.

"I know you're there," Sam said, finally stopping and looking toward the ceiling.

"Hello, Samuel," Castiel said calmly.

"You know, I've told you at least a dozen times that you can call me Sam."

"I like Samuel," Castiel admitted with a smile.

Sam rolled his eyes and began walking again. Watching him move was like those shooting ranges at carnivals except no one was going to win a cheap stuffed prize this time. He kept from looking at Castiel for as long as he could even though he'd basically invited his presence.

"Are you always watching me?" he asked as he continued his progression back and forth.

"Most of the time."

"Why?"

"Because I can sense you," Castiel answered.

"You can sense Dean, too. I don't see you at his beck and call anymore," Sam said, stopping in front of Castiel.

"He doesn't need me like you do," Castiel explained.

Color rose on Sam's cheeks at this admission. The pacing began again as he wasn't able to look Castiel in the face any longer. He chewed the edge of his bottom lip as he tried to work out how to ask the question that was forming in his thought.

"Can you read my mind?"

"Not exactly," Castiel said. "I can tell when you require me and if I'm near you it's stronger."

"But why are you always near me?" Sam asked, clenching his jaw. "Am I that hopeless? Are you all so afraid that I'll fall off the wagon?"

"No, Samuel," Castiel said, his voice dropping low. "We do not fear for you."

"Then why are you always here?" Sam asked, throwing his hands up in the air and looking at Castiel with his eyes full of hurt and confusion. "Not so long ago, you couldn't get far enough away from me. Now everywhere I turn I can feel you nearby."

"You can feel me?" Castiel asked. "That's abnormal."

"Well just call me a big bucket of abnormal, not that it's a big shock to anyone."

"You shouldn't be able to feel me, Sam. You shouldn't know I'm here unless I show myself to you," Castiel explained.

"Well, maybe you're not cloaking yourself as well as you think you are. Or maybe all of the demon blood has soaked in more than we thought. Or any number of weird things that happen in our line of work..." Sam said, his hands gesturing wildly.

"Samuel," Castiel said calmly, taking Sam's hands in his own. He could feel Sam's heartbeat quicken as Sam looked down at the angel's hands on his. "Do you not wish to be touched?" he asked curiously.

"It would be better," Sam admitted. Pulling his hands back toward his body, he sat on the bed and looked up at Castiel. "I know that you want to help and all, but can you just leave?"

"Is that what you really wish?" Castiel asked, confused at the changes in his young friend.

"No," Sam said. "But it's what I need right now. It's what I can handle right now."

"I am causing you pain?" Castiel asked as he laid a hand on Sam's shoulder. He watched Sam's eyes close as he slowly breathed in. When they opened again, Castiel could see the answer reflected back at him. "Why did you not tell me?" he said, withdrawing his hand and stepping back. "If I had known I caused you pain I would have..." he said, stopping when Sam stood in front of him.

Sam stepped into the space he'd vacated and pulled Castiel to him. "I'm already going to hell," he said as he grabbed behind Castiel's neck, tugged him forward, and pressed his lips to the angel's. He paused for a moment, their lips only barely touching, drew back and looked into the eyes that were almost too blue to stare directly at. Those eyes went wide for a moment before looking back up at him.

"That is why you hurt? You believe you are damned for wanting to kiss me?" Castiel asked, unmoving.

"Castiel, I'm damned for a lot of things," Sam admitted, stepping back from him and walking toward the bedside table. He uncapped the bottle of water there and took a long pull on it before speaking again. "This whole conversation is insane."

"Why?"

"Because I'm standing in a hotel room fighting my body's reaction to demon blood. I'm trying not to say to an angel of God that his lips keep my thoughts far from Heaven and all on sin. I'm trying not to tell an angel that I can't stop thinking about fucking certain celestial bodies against a wall," Sam mumbled to himself, rubbing his hands over his face and sitting on the bed.

"Against a wall?" Castiel asked obviously having heard Sam's wish to consummate a more physical relationship. His head tilted in confusion.

"That's all you took from that? Don't like walls or something?" Sam said, dropping his hands in sheer exasperation.

"It doesn't seem like it would be very comfortable."

Sam just looked at Castiel for a long moment. He couldn't believe it. As much as he'd thought the conversation to be insane before, it was doubly so now.

"Samuel, do you think that this want is what sends you to Hell?" Castiel asked.

"I don't think it helps my case. Wanting to do dirty things with angels probably isn't up there with the High and Mighty," Sam said looking sideways at Castiel.

"And my being an angel is what makes it wrong?" Castiel continued. "If I were just a man you wouldn't feel damned?"

"Yes. No. I don't know," Sam admitted, staring up into Castiel's face with a bemused expression. "How can you go from talking about watching after me to the varying levels of my descent into Hell?"

"Because they are one and the same, Samuel," Castiel answered, sitting on the bed next to Sam. "You think that you're destined to fall and I am going to do whatever I can to make sure that does not happen. Dean and I will be here to help you..."

"Dean? Dean doesn't want to be anywhere near me, Cas," Sam said, standing up again and walking across the room to the bathroom sink. Castiel watched as Sam tried not to look up at his own reflection. He turned the cold water tap and splashed water on his face rubbing the cold liquid into his skin.

"He wants to help you. He just doesn't know how," Castiel explained.

"I don't know how to help me either," Sam admitted, drying off with a hand towel. "Is there really anything that can be done, Cas? I'm kind of doomed at this point."

"There is no person beyond salvation, Samuel."

Sam half laughed as he walked back into the main room. "Somehow, I doubt that," he said as he clenched the towel in his hands again. His hands were beginning to shake again, the waves of withdrawal crashing through him over and over.

Castiel step closer and took the towel from Sam's fingers. "That is your problem, Sam. You doubt yourself." He took Sam's hands and enclosed them in his own. He looked up into Sam's curious and broken eyes trying to find the words that would bring him comfort. "Do you doubt me?"

"Of course not," Sam said. He was unable to move any part his body other than his mouth. It felt like everything had stopped moving forward or backward and that he was stuck in this moment waiting for the push that would inevitably come to shove him off the cliff. Castiel's deep blue eyes stared into his with such intensity he resisted the temptation to even blink.

"Then know I will help you," he said, bringing one hand up to touch Sam's cheek. The skin under his fingers grew warm and he couldn't help but smile. "It means you are happy, this redness?"

"Something like that," Sam admitted. Still unable to do anything but look back into Castiel's eyes, he held on to some strand of optimism that he was not beyond help or hope. From the way Cas was touching him, the feelings he'd been pushing down for the last several months weren't repellent to the angel.

"My touch no longer causes you pain?" Castiel asked, his head tilting slightly. A smile crossed his face as Castiel mimicked Sam's earlier actions and pulled his head down toward him. He brushed a light kiss across Sam's lips and then stepped back away from him. "Dean will be here in a moment," he explained.

Sam was not surprised to blink and have Castiel be gone, but for the first time in years he actually felt like he was climbing out of a hole instead of jumping into one. He smiled at the change and was still smiling when Dean walked in the door. He was carrying two Styrofoam containers and a six pack of beer.

Dean regarded him curiously, but didn't say anything as he set everything on the small table in the kitchenette. He unpacked dinner and sat down. Digging his fork into meatloaf covered in beef gravy, he looked up at his brother. "I got you a salad."

"Thanks," Sam said, sitting down across from his brother and opening his own container. He couldn't help the smile still on his face as he dug into his dinner. The feel of Castiel touching his skin and the hope that he'd touched Sam with were still leaving their traces.

In typical Dean fashion, he didn't ask Sam to explain.


End file.
